We’re Sorry for Our Friendship
Senior Compass Series
Our friendship began, like all good friendships should, with a discussion of tamales. As the good Californian kids we are, our knowledge of superior cuisine set us apart from the unwashed freshman masses and resulted in probably the
worst friendship the Hilltop has ever seen.
This senior compass is an apology — to our friends, to the Arsenault family and to those who hold Georgetown University’s Jesuit values so dear. We have been best friends for four years, though we rarely admit it. Now, as we near graduation, we have been forced to reflect and admit where we failed. Let us start at the beginning.
We are sorry we stole university mattresses to go sledding. Also, we understand that stealing two handles and a 30-rack of beer from a party next door for the purposes of our own pregame may have been wrong.
We are sorry Ellie got free housing for a summer and never worked her student guard shifts, and we are sorry Jesse leveraged his Crohn’s disease to unnecessarily upgrade his housing every year. For someone who talks so much about Crohn’s, he does not do much to treat it; we are ashamed of him, and of what he did to that airplane bathroom between Dubrovnik, Croatia, and Madrid. We recognize the damage we have done over the past four years. We apologize but regret nothing.
We are sorry to the Polish security officer whom we convinced to give us discounted train tickets. We extend our thanks to him for not throwing us off the train like he threatened. We’re sorry Ellie lied: She does understand Polish.
We apologize for conning KAHAL, an international Jewish organization, into giving us a free $225 Passover meal by quoting the prophet Elijah. If there is one thing our “The Problem of God” class taught us, it is that Catholic guilt can be invoked in any person, regardless of their allegiance to Jesus.
We are sorry we joked so much about President Donald Trump’s 2016 win. Ellie’s Kellyanne Conway Halloween costume was honestly uncanny, and she will never do it again. We should have knocked on wood; instead, we take full responsibility for the trash fire that is our nation’s executive branch.
We are sorry for all the places we have thrown up: in front of Dean Joel Hellman’s house; in front of the Lincoln Memorial; in and around The Tombs; in most of Nashville, Tenn.; around all of Cancun, Mexico; off Key Bridge; in every single residential village; and in countless places we cannot recall.
Our sincerest apologies to the following professors: Jonathan Ray, Ori Soltes, Fr. G. Ronald Murphy, S.J., Maurice Jackson and George Akerlof. We are sorry we stole so much food from the theology department Christmas party every year. Your string quartet was lovely, but not as lovely as your green bean casserole.
On the subject of free — stolen — food, we extend our gratitude to the recently renovated version of the downstairs part of O’Donovan Hall. You finally made the right decision hiring a bouncer, but now we’re out 20 meals a month. In addition, we apologize to every cultural club — some of which we served on the boards of — that spent most of its budget feeding us.
We’re sorry Jesse showed up a half hour late to Ellie’s baptism and iced her immediately after the service. God deserves better.
We are sorry for chain-immigrating onto The Hoya’s editorial board, and we take full responsibility for the publication’s quality during fall 2016. Gondolas, hammocks and GUSA approval ratings, oh my!
We apologize to The Georgetown Improv Association for never financially supporting them. We are nothing if not patrons of the arts, but only for free when we can sneak into a show.
We are sorry to Rabbi Rachel Gartner for regularly attending Shabbat intoxicated; the food is excellent, and what we remember of your drash was eloquent and lovely. L’Chaim!
Ultimately, this friendship has been a vomit-filled roller coaster since its beautiful beginning. If we somehow find employment, we will be able to afford real friends, and we might even donate to Georgetown in an effort to replace the things we have irreparably damaged.
Above all, we recognize the damage we have done over the past four years. We apologize but regret nothing. Our friendship has yielded the best memories of our lives, and we would not have it any other way. We are just a couple of degenerate losers trying to make our way through this pre-professional world; Hoya Saxa, and we will see you all at reunion!
Jesse Jacobs and Ellie Singer are seniors in the College. This is the sixth installment in the Senior Compass Series.